A gorgeous article by a psychologist - a must-read! What to do for parents with teenagers who don't want anything

Why doesn't he want anything? Katerina Demina, a consultant psychologist, a specialist in child psychology, wrote an excellent article in which she answers this, perhaps now the most painful question of parents.
Of course, there are a lot of letters - however, we...
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think that all parents of teenagers would be good to read and feel good. This phenomenon has gained momentum in the last seven years. A whole generation of young people has grown up who “want nothing”. No money, no career, no personal life. They sit for days at computers, they are not interested in girls (maybe just a little, so as not to strain). They are not going to work at all. As a rule, they are satisfied with the life that they already have - the parental apartment, a little money for cigarettes, beer. Not more. What's wrong with them? Sasha was brought to a consultation by her mother. An excellent 15-year-old guy, the dream of any girl: athletic, hanging tongue, not rude, lively eyes, vocabulary not like Ellochka the cannibal, plays tennis and the guitar. Mother's main complaint, just the cry of a tortured soul: "Why doesn't he want anything?" History details What do you mean "nothing", I'm interested. Nothing at all? Or does he still want to eat, sleep, walk, play, watch a movie? It turns out that Sasha does not want to do anything from the list of "normal" things for a teenager. I.e: 1. Learn; 2. To work; 3. Take courses 4. Dating girls; 5. Help mom with housework; 6. And even go on vacation with mom. Mom is in anguish and despair. A hefty man has grown up, and the use of him is like a goat of milk. Mom all his life for him, everything only for his good, she refused everything, took on any work, took to the circles, drove to expensive sections, sent them to language camps abroad - and he first sleeps until lunch, then turns on the computer and until nights in toys drives. But she had hoped that he would grow up and she would feel better. I keep asking. Who is the family made of? Who makes money in it? What are their functions? It turns out that Sasha's mother has been alone for a long time, divorced when he was five years old, “my father was exactly the same lazy person, maybe this is genetically transmitted?”. She works, works a lot, because she has to support three (herself, grandmother and Sasha), comes home at night, tired to death. The house is supported by my grandmother, she is engaged in the household, and is watching Sasha. Only the trouble is - Sasha completely got out of his hands, he does not obey his grandmother, does not even snarl, he just ignores him. He goes to school when he wants to, when he doesn't want - he doesn't go. The army threatens him, but it doesn't seem to bother him in the least. He does not make the slightest effort to study at least a little better, although all the teachers unanimously insist that he has a golden head and abilities. The school is from the elite, state-owned, with history. But in order to stay in it, you have to take tutors in basic subjects. And all the same, twos in quarters may be excluded. She doesn't do anything around the house, she doesn't even wash a cup after herself, grandmother has to carry heavy bags of groceries from the store with a stick, and then she carries food to the computer on a tray. “What’s the matter with him? - Mom is almost crying. “I gave him my whole life.” Boy Next time I see Sasha alone. Indeed, a good boy, handsome, fashionably and expensively dressed, but not provocative. Something too good. He's somehow lifeless. Picture in a girls' magazine, glamorous prince, if only there was a pimple somewhere, or something. He is friendly with me, politely, with all his appearance demonstrates openness and willingness to cooperate. Ugh, I feel like a character on an American TV show for teenagers: the main character at a psychoanalyst's appointment. I would like to say something obscenely. Okay, let's remember who the pro is. Believe it or not, he almost word for word reproduces my mother's text. A 15-year-old boy says, like a schoolteacher, “I'm lazy. My laziness prevents me from achieving my goals. And I am also very unassembled, I can stare at one point and sit for an hour. " What do you want yourself? He doesn't want anything special. The school is boring, the lessons are stupid, although the teachers are cool, the best. There are no close friends, no girls either. There are no plans. That is, he is not going to make humanity happy in any of the 1539 ways known to civilization, he is not planning to become a megastar, he does not need wealth, career growth and achievements. He doesn't need anything at all. Thank you, we have everything. Slowly, a picture begins to emerge, I will not say that it was very unexpected for me. From about three years old Sasha studied. First by preparing for school, swimming and English. Then I went to school - equestrian sport was added. Now, in addition to studying at the Mathematical Lyceum, he goes to English courses at MGIMO, to two sports sections and to a tutor. He doesn't walk in the yard, doesn't watch the TV set - there is no time. The computer, which my mother complains about, plays only during the holidays, and even then not every day. Why doesn't he want anything? Formally, all these classes were voluntarily chosen by Sasha. But when I ask what he would like to do if he didn't have to study, he says "play the guitar." (Variants heard from other respondents: playing football, playing on a computer, doing nothing, just walking). Play. Let's remember this answer and move on.
What's the matter with him You know, I have three such clients a week. Almost every appeal about a boy between the ages of 13 and 19 is about this: he wants nothing. In each such case, I see the same picture: an active, energetic, ambitious mother, an absent dad, at home or grandmother, or a nanny-housekeeper. More often, it's a grandmother. The family system is distorted: the mother takes the role of a man in the house. She is the breadwinner, she makes all decisions, contacts the outside world, protects, if necessary. But she is not at home, she is in the fields and on the hunt. The fire in the hearth is supported by the grandmother, only she has no levers of power in relation to their "common" child, he may not obey and be rude. If it were mom and dad, dad would come home from work in the evening, mom would complain to him about her son's inappropriate behavior, dad would poke him - and all the love. And here you can complain, but there is no one to do it.
Mom tries to give her son everything, everything: the most fashionable entertainment, the most necessary developmental activities, any gifts and purchases. And the son is not happy. And again and again this chorus sounds: "wants nothing." And after a while my question starts to itch inside me: “When will he want something? If for a long time my mother wanted everything for him, marked, planned and done ”. That's when a five-year-old kid sits at home alone, rolls a car on the carpet, plays, growls, buzzes, builds bridges and fortresses - at this moment desires begin to emerge and ripen, at first vague and unconscious, gradually forming into something concrete: I want a big fire department car with little men. Then he waits for mom or dad from work, expresses his desire and gets an answer. Usually: "Be patient until the New Year (birthday, payday)." And you have to wait, endure, dream about this car before going to bed, anticipate the happiness of owning, imagine it (still a car) in all its details. Thus, the child learns to contact his inner world in terms of desires. And what about Sasha (and all the other Sasha I deal with)? I wanted to - wrote my mother an SMS, sent it - my mother ordered it via the Internet - in the evening they brought it. Or vice versa: why do you need this car, you haven't done your homework, have you read two pages of a speech therapy ABC book? Once - and cut off the beginning of the tale. All. Dreaming no longer works. These boys really have it all: the latest smartphones, the latest jeans, trips to the sea four times a year. But they don't have the opportunity to just kick the bald. Meanwhile, boredom is the most creative state of the soul, without it it is impossible to think of something to do. The child must become bored and yearned for the need to move and act. And he is deprived of even the most elementary right to decide whether to go to the Maldives or not. Mom had already decided everything for him. What parents say At first I listen to my parents for quite some time. Their claims, disappointments, resentments, guesses. It always starts with complaints like “we are everything to him, and he in return is nothing”. The enumeration of what exactly “everything for him” is impressive. For the first time I learn about some things. For example, it never occurred to me that a 15-year-old boy could be taken to school by the hand. And until now I believed that the limit is the third class. Well, the fourth, for girls. But it turns out that the worries and fears of mothers push them to strange actions. What if bad boys attack him? And they will teach him bad things (smoking, swearing with bad words, lying to his parents; the word "drugs" is often not pronounced, because it is very scary). Often such an argument sounds like "You understand what time we live in." To be honest, I don't really understand. It seems to me that times are always about the same, well, except for the very difficult ones, for example, when the war is going on right in your city. In my time, it was deadly for an 11-year-old girl to walk alone through a vacant lot. So we didn't go. We knew we didn't have to go there, and we followed the rules. And the maniacs were sexy, and sometimes robbed in the doorways. But what was not there was a free press. Therefore, people learned the crime report from their acquaintances, according to the principle "one grandma said." And as it passed through many mouths, the information became less intimidating and more blurry. Alien abduction type. Everyone heard that this happens, but no one saw. When it is shown on TV, with details, close-up, it becomes the reality that is here, nearby, in your house. You see it with your own eyes - but admit, most of us have never seen the victim of a robbery ourselves? The human psyche is not adapted to the daily observation of death, especially violent death. This causes severe trauma, and modern man does not know how to defend himself against it. Therefore, on the one hand, we seem to be more cynical, and on the other hand, we do not let children go outside. Because it's dangerous. Most often, such helpless and lethargic children grow up with those parents who were independent from early childhood. Too mature, too responsible, too early to be on their own. From the first grade they came home by themselves, the key on a ribbon around the neck, the lessons - by themselves, to warm up the food - by themselves, at best, the parents in the evening will ask: "What about the lessons?" For the whole summer, either to the camp, or to my grandmother in the village, where there was also no one to follow. And then these children grew up, and perestroika happened. Complete change of everything: lifestyle, values, guidelines. There is something to be nervous about. But the generation has adapted, survived, even became successful. The displaced and diligently unnoticed anxiety remained. And now everything fell in full on the head of the only child. And serious charges are brought against the child. Parents completely refuse to recognize their contribution to his (child's) development, they only complain bitterly: "Here I am in his years ...". “At his age I already knew what I wanted from life, and in the 10th grade he was only interested in toys. I have been doing my homework since the third grade, and in the eighth grade he cannot sit down at the table until you fail him by the hand. My parents didn’t even know what our math program was, and now I have to solve every example with it ” All this is pronounced with the tragic intonation "Where is this world heading?" As if children should repeat their parents' life path. At this point, I start asking what kind of behavior they would like from their child. It turns out to be a rather funny list, sort of like a portrait of an ideal man: 1. To do everything myself; 2. To obey unquestioningly; 3. Shows initiative; 4. Was engaged in those circles that will be useful later in life; 5. Was sensitive and caring and was not selfish; 6. Was more assertive and punchy. At the last points, I'm already sad. But the mom who makes the list is also sad: she noticed a contradiction. "I want the impossible?" She asks sadly. Yes, it’s a pity. Or singing or dancing. Either you have an obedient excellent botanist who agrees to everything, or an energetic, proactive, punchy C grade student. Either he sympathizes and supports you, or silently nods and walks past you to his goal.
From somewhere came the idea that by doing the right thing with the child, you can somehow magically protect him from all coming troubles. As I said, the benefits of numerous developmental activities are very relative.
The child misses a really important stage in development: play and relationships with peers. Boys do not learn to invent a game or activity for themselves, do not open up new territories (after all, it is dangerous there), do not fight, do not know how to gather a team around them. Girls do not know anything about the "women's circle", although they are doing a little better with creativity: nevertheless, girls are more often sent to various needlework circles, and it is more difficult to "hammer" the need for social communication among girls. In addition to child psychology, from old memory, I also study the Russian language and literature with schoolchildren. So, in pursuit of foreign languages, parents completely missed their native Russian language. The vocabulary of modern adolescents, like Ellochka the Cannibal, is within a hundred. But they proudly declare: the child learns three foreign languages, including Chinese, and all with native speakers.

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